On Life

I am so ready for my adult life to begin! I want my degree! My certificate! My awesome, fun job that allows to pay for things, like, rent, light/gas, trips, a new car and have money left over to save and donate! I want that awesome man that is so ready to love me the way I want to be loved! I'm ready to love him the way he wants to be loved! I want my Great American Novel to be published to great acclaim and sales! I want my first screenplay to be optioned and cast w/a gorgeous male lead and a real female lead! I want my family healthy and happy! I want my friends to know how much they are loved! I just want! want! want!

On Peace

I can't even think b/c of the awesomeness that was my weekend. Got endless face time with the bestie, saw Harry Potter at Navy Pier, then Sunday I was able to just relax in a way I haven't in a long time and today I am filled with peace, so no angsting from me today. The neuroses will find their way back to me, but for today, I am well. I hope everyone else is, as well.

On Decisions

Indecision is my enemy. And my closet companion. It's definite that once I make a decision, I will promptly unmake it. I can't ever just decide on something and let it be. I must think and think and think upon it, till I think it out of existence. I wish I was resolute, I am not, I am destined to always be flapping about in the wind.

On Learning From One's Mistakes

I cannot keep making the same mistakes over and over. I have vowed that I will not hit my head on the same wall, the only difference being the space in between the hits. While I don't want to work and go to school at the same time, I cannot be without a job. I spent my 20s hopping from job to job with long droughts of willfull unemployment and I get sick just thinking about being in the same predicament. I think the best thing for me mentally is to keep working. I don't make nearly enough money now and it stresses me out, I can't imagine the circles my mind would be running in if I didn't have any income coming in. I can't rely on unemployment because I'm sure that could run out at any second, so, I guess I should prepare myself for a different kind of stress; working full-time while going to school part-time. Oy. Wish me luck.

On Love

Last night I told the universe I was ready for a good man to come into my life and enrich it. The surprising thing? I meant it. I have a deep fear of intimacy; I have never been witness to a man making a woman's life better and I am terrified of opening myself up to vulnerability because it's not a question of if a man will hurt but when and I just don't want to deal with that heartbreak, but...I am ready for companionship. I am ready to feel protected, loved, taken care of. Mostly, I'm ready for the sex. Jeez Louise an I ready for a beautiful man to put it on me! So, yes, Universe, send me a man who is open and willing and ready for me. I am ready for him.

On Revolution

When did I become a normal? Wake every morning at the same time, eat the same breakfast, wear the same clothes, drive the same route, going to the same job where I do the same thing everyday. Now, I never thought I'd be dangerous, but I also never thought I'd be average either. Where's my rock 'n' roll lifestyle? I cannot abide this normalcy. I must become a creative and posthaste, because I can feel corporate america leeching out all of my creative energy, a drop of it gone everyday I do the same brain-numbingly boring thing. The revolution will be personal.

On Thoughts

How do you get your mind to be at ease? My mind is a constant carousel of what is worrying me; money, school, financial aid, dating, my parents, etc., and it's driving me mad! What aids can I use to calm myself? Where will I find serenity? Can it be found? Or is this just what it means to be an adult?

Bills, Bills, Bills

You know what sucks? Worrying about money ALL OF THE TIME. I don't have enough money to pay all of my bills. How do people live like this their whole lives? It's a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach that's akin to chronic pain; I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this. I just want to feel like a self-sufficient adult who can maintain their own household, but I don't even have a household to maintain. Why oh why did I mess up so badly in my twenties? This has got to change; I can't take it anymore.

Summer Fun

I am so bored. All I do is go to work and read fanfiction. I said I was going to have a fun summer. So far, it hasn't been filled with crazy adventures. What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever just get off my butt and do stuff? It doesn't help that my circle of friends is very limited, three of my closet friends have children, the other one lives in the city and doesn't really make time for me and the other one is always broke. I would love to make more friends, more single friends with disposable income, but how do I meet these people? I don't have any hobbies that would put me in the path of new people, so how do I strike out and meet new people. It's so hard to make friends once you've reached a certain age. How do I get a life? Help, universe, help!

On Companionship

Just finished watching the adorable Drew Barrymore/Justin Long vehicle Going the Distance and I'm reminded yet again that I want my meetcute. I want that partner that challenges you, makes you laugh, makes you feel sexy. I want to be overwhelmed by my feelings for someone else. I want someone to lure me out of my own head. I just don't think I have what it takes to completely surrender to that feeling. Whatever I've had, whenever a boy has liked me, I've completely ruined it by not opening myself up to it. I'm so closed in, I don't know if I'll ever be coaxed out, and that just makes me so sad. Am I really one of those freaks that will never love anybody? Why is this so hard for me? I just want...I just want.

On Food, Part II

I had three wonderful, relaxing, joyful days off, the only thing is that it threw me off that whole not eating like a pig thing I had going on. I didn't stuff myself, I just ate all the wrong things. But the good thing is I'm not beating myself up about it, it's just made me realize I need to stop using food as a celebration, as the go to thing when I need a mood lifting or when I want to relax with a good program on my television, simply it needs to stop being the centerpiece of my life. That's so easy to say, but it's so hard to do. I love food, the smell, the taste, the way it makes me feel, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty whenever I eat. I just want to have a healthy relationship to food. How does one cultivate that after 31 years of having a love/hate relationship?

There'll be peace when you are done

Today my mind was clear; it ceased it's endless loops of all the things it wants, all the outcomes my live could've had and just focused on what I was doing today, who I needed to be today and it was marvelous. It is so tiring to have your mind racing 24/7 and the sudden cessation of that endless energy was just nirvana. Today was a very good day; here's hoping I have three more awesome ones.

Work, Work, Work

I am sick with indecsion; should I stay or should I go? There are things that I feel like I deseparately need, but, upon further thought, I think they may be wants. I want a job that offers me enough money to live comfortably, but I know that won't happen until I get my degrees in order, but I just want so much NOW. But I am so sick of starting somewhere new, I like being settled, I like that it'll be two years next month on this job. Two years! I've never stayed anywhere for two years, so that must mean something, right? I just want to feel certain of my future. Do you ever get to that feeling? Am I tying myself in knots over something that'll never happen? I am just so over myself; just make up your mind already!

Don't Fall Down Now, You Will Never Get Up

This morning I had an awesomely bad setback and I did not fall down. I did not give up. I did not beat myself up nor did I have moments of unworthiness. I realized that life is not easy. There will always be obstacles but the important thing is how I react to them. This morning I grew up a little; I'm that much closer to becoming a fully functional adult. I am proud of myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It feels good.

Scaredy cat

Why, oh, why do I run from my responsibilities? I feel like I have a million things I have to do, and last night, instead of doing one of them, I spent four hours reading fanfiction. Really?!? It's so much easier to drown myself in the goings on of fictional characters than it is to face what I have made of my life. I'm so scared all the time and I'm sick of the feeling. Scared to try, scared to succeed, so I just hide myself away. Intellectually I know I've gotten too old for these games, I don't want to wake up at 45 and still be in exactly the same spot I am right now (or worse, two steps back) but I can't seem to cowgirl up and do what it is I know I must do. I'm done with doing the easy thing; now I must do the right thing.

On Writing

Here we go again; I am vowing to post every weekday until I go back to school in late August. I've gotten away from writing everyday and I need my motivation back. I have too many IDEAS to let them go to waste. They need to be shared! So, I will be writing my blog, submitting movie/dvd/music reviews to associatedcontent.com, attempting to figure out how to post something to textbroker, copywriting my stories and finally, finally finishing my oft-mentioned collection of short stories to self-publish. I'm excited; so far the summer of 2011 good to me and the only way to make it better is if I ensure that I don't disappoint myself.

On Time

I need time management skills. There never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish all the things that I want to do and I am beyond frustrated with myself and lack of ability to get. things. done. How do single mothers manage? What am I doing wrong? Is there some secret handbook other women (and some men) have been shown that details how to cram 48 hours worth of activity into 24 hours? How does one get inducted into that camp because I need to get my grubby little paws on that book, stat! Seriously, I'm going to have to completely reconfigure how I even think about getting things done, don't I? I'm so sick of having to change everything I am to accomplish what I want to. Why couldn't I have just been made right? Oh, well. How does one go about changing how they think about time???

On Money, Part IV

I need to make more money. I'm tired of stressing out about it, I'm tired of having to choose which bills get paid on this date and that, I'm tired of having to save for a big ticket purchase instead of just having the buying power to get it now. I'm 31 years-old, when do I get to have a grown-up salary? This isn't all about materialism, although I do want the big girl toys like cars, clothes, purses, etc, it's mostly about being able to take care of myself. If I moved out on my own, I would starve. All my money would go to rent, utilities and putting gas in my car. I would definitely have to take advantage of being a natural homebody because I'd never be able to go out and have a night on the town. What I need is some moxie, some hustle, a great idea for a money-making adventure. I know what I'll be thinking about over the weekend.

I'm Not Dead...

...just supremely uninspired. The weather is beautiful, I have wonderful parents, just been reassured by their actions that my friends are there for me. I'm feeling a lot cuter after I lost 13 lbs, but I'm still just blah. I feel like I'm stuck just waiting for the next part of my life to start. I have to go to orientation before I can register for classes, my financial aid didn't come thru so now I have to scrimp and save just to take a class or two (I will be appealing that decision), my epic vacation is still two weeks away and my job, oh my job. I wants another one, like yesterday. I've recently started a serious search, but that still leaves me in the position of waiting for something to happen. I just want to take my life into my own hands and make something happen, I'm done being passive and waiting on life to happen to me instead of making it happen myself! Wow, ok, that totally made me feel better; I guess there's something to this whole writing my feelings down. Who knew?!?

It's Been Awhile

Didn't mean to take so much time off, but I'm back now. Have a review:

Tina Fey's first book, Bossypants, is more a collection of humorous essays than a memoir, and in this day and age of confession as a right, that's fine by me. Fey walks the fine line of sharing a part of herself beyond the Tine Fey brand we've gotten to know over the past decade and maintaining a level of privacy that she explicitly asks the reader to respect. I've cooled on the memoir in the last few years, realizing that no one's life is more disasterous, beautiful or sublime than the next person's, but I've grown an appreciation of the essay, that microscopic snapshot of a person's true reaction to a book, movie, school of thought and done right it can be a crisp and fully-realized piece of art. Fey succeeds brilliantly at disguising often biting commentary in the self-deprecating absurdist humor she excels at.

It's obvious that Fey's privacy is on her mind throughout the book. She brings up her famous scar, only to let you know she's not going to talk about it.

During the spring semester of kindergarten, I was slashed in the face by a stranger in
the alley behind my house. Don't worry. I'm not going to lay out the grisly details for
you like a sweeps episode of Dateline. I only bring it up to explain why I'm not going
to talk about it (pp 1, pg 8).

The material about her time at SNL is particularly insightful, I found it illuminating that someone of her stature would admit to not having any idea about what she was doing when she first started; it gives this novice writer hope that one day I'll figure it out.

There are moments in the book when Fey does get personal, as when she describes in hilarious detail her troubles breastfeeding her daughter, Alice and the Mother's Prayer at the end of the book asking God to guide her daughter to the right in all things, I saw through the humor to the heart of the piece and I admit it, I teared up.

Will Bossypants win Fey any new fans? Probably not because it's chockfull of all the things that the people who don't like her don't like about her, but for the people who do apprciate her absurdist satire, it'll be an easy read that brings tears to your eyes and makes you laugh out loud.

On Victory

I said I'd post every weekday for the month of March, and surprisingly I did. I say surprisingly because I am notorious for setting goals and not acheiving them. But with this, I did. Those times when I had NOTHING to say (and that was, sadly, quite often) I made myself think of something tangible and remotely interesting, at least to me, on those days when I didn't have time, when all I wanted to do was come home, take a shower and fall into bed, I made myself post because I'm done with breaking promises I make to myself. The fact that I followed through on this feels better than I could ever imagine, and it makes me think that I can always feel like this, if I just stop disappointing myself. From here on out, I vow to never disappoint myself again. Now, I'm not sure what I'll do for the month of April, my immediate thoughts are turning to trying my hand at poetry and posting them on the blog, but we'll see. I know I'm going to take 4/1 off and regroup, but it's been a wonderful, sad, stressed, joyful, busy month and I'm thinking April will probably be more of the same, and I'm definitely going to need the blog to help me make it through.

On Sleep

It seems my new obsession is sleep. It's all I can think about, how much I can get of it, when I can go to sleep, when do I have to wake up, etc, and I'm strangely okay with this. After going MONTHS with horrible sleeping patterns, I'm going to allow myself to luxuriate in getting eight, nine, heck, even ten hours of sleep at night. I'm going to allow my body what it needs, and right now with this crazy schedule I have at work, what it needs most is productive rest. To say that I am stressed at work is an understatement, I can't stop thinking about my future and the things I need to do to make what I envision work, and this is driving me nuts as well. I wish I could just slow these ever pressing thoughts down and push them back, far enough away from my consciousness that I'm not making myself sick with them. But sleep is giving me a peace I haven't felt in awhile, and for now at least, I'm going to wallow in it.

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why is it that sometimes, when you're doing something good for yourself, it hurts? I'm giving up my achilles heel and I'm having my moments when I forget why. My addiction? Caffeine, most specifically, the nectar of the gods, coffee. Why would I give up such a delicious must have? One word: sleep. I need uninterruppted, non-sleeping pill assisted sleep. Whenever I take a sleep aid, I end up sleeping 10, 11 hours and I feel heavy and drugged for hours after waking. I just want natural sleep and the copious amounts of caffeine I was consuming was not helping me in my aims. Last night I slept like a baby, why? Because Monday morning I got up early and did 45 minutes of cardio. Slept ten hours last night, but instead of feeling like a zombie upon waking, I feel refreshed and ready to go. Tommorrow morning, I'm going to repeat the process so I can get my body exhausted by natural means and get my much needed restful sleep.

On Procrastination

My tragic flaw, you know, if my life were a Greek tragedy, would be my habit of saying I'll do things in that nebulous 'later' timeframe. I have always been one to put things off to the last minute, starting a project the night before it was due, studying for the test as I sat in my desk waiting for the teacher to pass out the test, and even today,with my job, while it doesn't allow me much leeway to procrastinate, I still find myself stockpiling work to do when I have some 'free' time. I would really like to change this about myself. It's just not worth the stress I give myself, it's not worth the never ending loop of thoughts about what I have to do. I just need to do things as they come to me, and I would remove one more obstacle out of my way on the road to success. I'll work on this 'getting things done' attitude every moment that I can, instead of, you know, 'later.'

On the New Happy

The new happy is simply being content. And from moment to moment, I am content. I finally feel like I'm doing something to make positive things happen in my life. And as crazy as it sounds, even if none of the things I want to happen come to fruition, it's enough that I actually went after them. I've always been so afraid, afraid of trying, of failing, of succeeding, but now, the fear is losing it's grip on me, and d@#!, does it feel good. Now, I'm not trying to claim that suddenly I'm a fun, fearless female, but I'm not so afraid to look the fool anymore. I'm not so afraid to put my emotions on the table and have people examine them, I'm not so afraid of the potential I have inside of me. This new movement within my heart is giving me a peace I've never had before and it's absolutely inspiring. Yes, from moment to moment, I am content with being me. I can't think of a better way to be.

Telegram from the braindead

I am working 50 hours a week. STOP. I will be working this schedule for the foreseeable future. STOP. Why do I always seem to get jobs that turn me into a workaholic? STOP. I currently have no energy or wherewithal to leave the house unless it's to go to work. STOP. I fear I won't be able to get ahold of my emotions and I may rage out at work. STOP. Someone send help posthaste. STOP. Help in the form of another job. STOP.

On Food

Yesterday, the only thing that got me through the last few hours of work was the thought of the chili cheese dog I'd make myself upon getting home. I get home at roughly ten pm, so I know I have no business eating anything that late, but I just couldn't resist the chili dog's siren song. I got home, took a shower, made the dog, heated up some potato wedges and fully expected to almost die from extreme culinary orgasms. That didn't happen. Not even close. Don't get me wrong, the dog was good, the taste just didn't explode on my tongue like I was expecting it to. Since there was absolutely nothing wrong with the dog (I made the chili myself, so it definitely wasn't the chili's taste at fault), the difference has to be in me. Have I finally turned the corner in my relationship with food? Has it lost it's entertainment value for me? Has my mind finally figured out that food is sustenance and nothing more? If it has, then...I won't be able to contain my joy. The biggest obstacle for me on the road to weight loss has been my obsessive love of food. It has been my friend, my lover, my enemy, my everything and now I'm ready for it to be nothing more than the fuel my body needs to keep going.

On Sleep

In this day and age, the idea of eight to nine hours of sleep a night is antiquated. People get by with four, five hours a night, every night. If they get six or seven, they've technically 'overslept.' When did this happen? When did people decide that to achieve, do, see, be more, they'd cut into the second most important thing your body needs to be healthy? When did we become a nation of sleepless zombies? We're so overstimulated by our smartphones, netbooks, tablets, laptops, dvr's, ereaders, we've forgotten how to take care of ourselves. This is one trend that I have no interest in participating in, from tonight on, my mission is seven to eight hours of uninterrupted, blissful sleep a night. I'll be the one at work in a wonderful mood, while everyone else is cranky and overdosing on bad, work coffee.

The Birth of a Babe

I have decided that from this moment on, I am going to be a confident, sexy woman, i.e., a babe. I am tired of doubting myself, tired of feeling too fat, too brown, not brown enough, too disporportionate, simply I'm tired of feeling not good enough. I'm no longer going to let a lack of confidence keep me from going after who I want. So what I'm a little chubby? That doesn't stop me from looking right in my skintights! I know that people are attracted to confiddence and I'm promising myself to fake it till I make it.

On Money, Part III

It's Friday, I just got paid and I'm still broke! Why does this keep happening to me? I'm not an extravagant spender so I don't understand where all my money is going! I am on a strict budget until I have enough to pay my tax bill this year (the first time I've ever owed the government, and hopefully, the last!) and, for the most part, I have been sticking to it (I wish I knew how to quit you, Dunkin' Donuts!) so I feel like I should have more money to play around with, instead of it all going into savings. Or maybe I'm just being a whiny little baby because I need some retail therapy and I forgot to add that into my budget. Oh well, there's always next month's budget.

On Emotion

This morning I stood in my closet, chest heaving, nearly in tears because I couldn't figure out what to wear to work. I have no idea where that overly emotional response came from, but obviously it's been laying dormant inside of me, waiting for the perfect moment to spring forth and catch me unaware. It's all the more confounding because I am not an emotional person, the last time I cried was at my grandmother's funeral two years ago. I am not prone to crying fits, temper tantrums, etc. and considering my generally copacetic mood lately, this episode is really out of nowhere. But it gives me hope. Lately I've been thinking that I need a good cry to let go of all the things that keep my mind racing when I lay down for sleep at night and maybe my little episode means I'll be able to let go of all the negative feelings I try to hide away from.

On Weight

Since Jan. 1st, I have lost eight pounds and it feels like those eight pounds were the weight of the world. I don't know if my body feels lighter, but my soul does. I finally know what it feels like to set a goal and actively pursue it. This sense of accomplishment is all-encompassing, almost overwhelming. Why didn't anyone tell me that setting goals and working to reach them felt so good?

I haven't started working out, mostly because I can't get myself out of bed early enough to have an effective workout, but I have stopped myself from eating like a pig all of the time. I still have my moments, but I am training myself to think of food as not entertainment, but simply as sustenance. I'm not all the way there yet, I still crave food when I'm sitting on the couch watching a good movie or one of my favorite shows, but I'm getting there. I just had no idea the journey to 'there' would be so invigorating.

On Men

I am afraid of my opinion of men. If I am truly honest with myself, I don't like them very much. I don't mean sexually, there is no doubt in my mind that I am frighteningly heterosexual (nothing hits me as viscerally as a sexually exciting man), I just have little interest in going beyond the surface and really trying to get to know men on an emotionally intimate level. This bothers me because it makes me a hypocrite; I rail against the proverbial male gaze that casts women as nothing more than fodder for men's enjoyment and yet, I objectify certain men, seeing them as nothing more substantial as material for, well...I don't think I need to say anything else.

I don't want to be that person, whatever the female equivalent to a chauvinist is (of course there's no word for a female chauvinist pig-I couldn't be the first of this kind-could I)? So how do I force myself to see men as people, with hopes and dreams and ideas independent and completely separate from their sexuality? How do I, gasp, cultivate friendships with men?

Under the Wire!

I am filled with inspiration but unable to pin it down and put it on paper. The ideas have form and are just waiting for me to give them shape, yet, somehow, when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. Am I afraid of the ideas? Afraid that once they're ink and paper, they'll be a letdown? But isn't that what revision is for? Even though I am a writer who feels that the more you revise a story, the further it is from what you originally envisioned, I do understand that a good edit has never hurt any story. Or am I afraid of what comes after they're written? Am I afraid that I'll have to enter these stories into competitions, submit them to literary magazines to be judged, and they won't place or be given a slot in the magazine? Yes, I am afraid of the rejection, but now I find I'm more afraid of the idea of never trying, never challenging myself to do better, be better. I'm afraid my 'children' won't win any first place trophies, but I have to make sure they're beautiful and ready to go just in case they are chosen for the pageant.

I am a Phoenix

It's Friday, I didn't just get paid, but I'm off work so that's a total win for me! I have absolutely nothing to say on this beautiful, glorious day except that I'm excited about life in a way I haven't been since I was 18. I feel the fire in me and I know I'm going to make wonderful things happen for me because I finally realized amazing things aren't going to happen to me, I've got to make them happen. I feel like I've just awaken after being asleep for a hundred years. This is a wonderful feeling and I'm not letting it get away from me.

On Work, Part II

I'm at the beginning of a three day weekend and I'm so excited I could explode. I think Americans place way too high a value on work. The most important thing about you shouldn't be what you do for a living, or how long you spend in the office, etc. If a person I've just met can only talk about their job, I know instantly this is a person I have no interest in knowing, I think their values are skewed. Yes, it's important to be a working, productive member of society, yes, it's important to make a living so you can support yourself, yadda, yadda, yadda, but at the end of your life, do you really think you're gonna say to yourself, 'I shoulda spent more time at the office,?' No, you're not. So take a day off, call your best friend from high school to catch up, go see a movie by yourself, go for a walk in the park, volunteer at your favorite charity, just live. It's so much more fun than spending a day in the office. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about!

On Discipline

Help! I need some self-discipline and stat! I make all of these lovely plans in my head and when it comes time to carry them out, nothing. I can't stand this about myself. I'm working an hour later at work, meaning I get home around 9:40, and I told myself as long as these new hours last I wouldn't come home and eat, I'd just drink a slimfast at work for dinner, that sounds like a decent plan, right? Well, I did that for one day before I crapped out, came home and fixed myself a plate! Why do I do these things to myself? I'm so tired of making myself feel guilty about my choices! No more disappointing myself, I have to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. I can let myself down anymore, it's time for me to step up and take care of my business.

On Money, Part II

It's day eight of my new, strict budget and I can't stave my addiction to Dunkin' Donuts coffee! I spent $1.72 Monday thru Friday, and while that may not seem like much, that adds up to $34.40 for the month, and that's coming out of my budgeted $100 for Miscellaneous activities, only leaving me $65.60 for any 'emergencies' that crop up. Otherwise, I'm on track, I've managed to stay out of Target and the video store, relying on Netflix, my dvr queue and basic cable to keep me entertained and I've resisted going out to fast food joints to spend needlessly on food that I won't really enjoy all that much anyway. But I still feel like I could be doing more, saving more, cutting more corners, which is next to impossible, since I don't have anymore money to save! Not making a lot really curbs my desire to have several healthy savings funds. Ultimately, I do feel good about the budget I made up and I feel I'll have a measurable amount of success with it. Now, if I could just keep my butt out of Dunkin' Donuts!

What's Scarier than Freddy?

I hate doing things that scare me. I'm not talking about the kind of fright that comes from watching a scary movie, or walking through a graveyard at night by yourself, I'm talking about the things that could expansively impact your life, change everything as you know it. Yeah, those things; they frighten me more than Freddy ever could and I'm a complete chicken#$@! when it comes to forcing myself to fight through it. I've been needing to go back to school for at least five years and now that I have the applications in my hands, they've just been sitting in my room for weeks blank because what if I turn them in and I get a big fat no? My good ole frenemy rejection is whispering in my ear, telling me there's no way any of these schools will want me, because what have I done to deserve getting into their programs? I don't know how to fight through the fear; it's why I've been stuck for the past five years in almost the exact same place while everyone I know around me has been running towards all of the milestones of the late twenties, early thirties. I am done with being left behind, but how do I get myself in the race? How easy is it to overcome crippling self-doubt? If the paralysis is self-inflicted, how do you convince yourself to move?

On Leisure

It's Friday night, I just got paid and...I'm settling in to watch Law and Order: UK and a rerun of Criminal Minds because I have to be to work in the morning at 9am, after getting off at 8pm. I miss Friday nights and Saturday mornings; not that I'd go out, I'd still be on the couch watching my programs on Friday and I wouldn't get up on Saturday until the morning was over, but I just miss having that option. I need to get on this e-publishing bandwagon and stat! I want my free time back!

On Hope

As I begin to plan the next stage of my life, I can't helped but be overwhelmed with hope. This is something that's been missing from my life, from my heart, for a very long time. Hope is a dangerous thing; it builds you up, but if you don't rein it in, it can let you down and take you low, lower than you've ever been. So, I've decided to inject some caution into my hopefulness, to protect myself from any fallout that may come from not having any part of this hope see any actuality.

Those Sweet Melodies

I miss music. I miss how it would seep into my bones, make my blood boil and kill me dead in the best possible way. I miss when lyrics were honest and personal, made you feel like you were getting a piece of your favorite musician; made you feel as if for three minutes and thirty seconds you had a deep and profound connection with Billy Corgan. I miss the intimacy of laying in bed at night with my headphones on with Greg Dulli's voice slinking through my brain, seducing me into believing it was just me, Greg and the night. Does there come a point in one's life when you no longer connect to popular music and clutch possessively to the music of your youth? Does that mean you're officially old when that happens?

On Money

It's a new month, so it's time for a new budget. I always start the month with ambitions to be fantastically frugal and somewhere between the astronomical gas prices and my inability to stay out of Target every Tuesday when new dvd's are released, that typically goes out of the window by the second week of the month. But now that I have an epic tax bill to pay ($821 which is epic to me because I don't make a lot of money), I am forced to save $205 per check until the beginning of April, so I'm hoping this will instill the discipline I need to become a successful saver.

I don't know why I became so irresponsible with money once I became an adult. As a child, I understood the concept of delayed satisfaction; I saved my money because I liked how it felt to just have money in my 'pocket.' If I wanted something I had little difficulty saving until I could afford it. Hell, my mom would sometimes borrow pocket money from me and I was in grammar school!

Then I turned 18, went away to college and went crazy. I forgot the basic concept of money. Spent like crazy without having a steady job and signed up for a multitude of credit cards that I couldn't possibly pay for; charging as if it were free money that didn't have to be paid back. I spent years mired in bad credit hell, not paying back student loans, credit cards, cell phone bills, you name it, I was delinquent on it!

But I turned a corner in maturity a little over two years ago, fed up with my own bs and deseparate to turn things around for myself. I've paid off three student loans and that feels good; I feel like I accomplished something major and I want to keep this feeling going. I feel like an adult now and after spending years running away from adulthood, it's a surprisingly good fit on me.

What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

Watching the Oscars last night (how adorable were Anne Hathaway and James Franco?), I thought about my childhood dream of one day winning an Oscar and I wonder, what happened to that dream? Is it possible to pick it back up or at a certain point do you admit defeat and think of new dreams?

I've always been fascinated with the movie-making business and I know I have the talents to have at least a modicum of success in the writing field, but I never quite thought I was good enough for the business. I just knew the Powers That Be would take one look at me and scream 'Next!'; deeming me unwanted and unworthy. My paralyzing fear of rejection has kept me from my deepest, most abiding dream.

My fear of rejection has held me back from living as furiously and passionately as I can. I didn't pursue my dream of being an actress, I'm tongue-tied and useless around people I'm sexually attracted to, hell, I can't even call up friends and invite them out for fear they'll tell me they have the always nebulous 'other plans.'

I am tired of living this way. This fear has completely eaten my life and eradicated any motivation I've had to go after anything out of the ordinary I've wanted for myself. How do you talk yourself out of being afraid? Is that not the point? Is the lesson learnt in being afraid but doing in spite of?

On Work

I'm sick of working. Does this feeling ever go away? I've only had two jobs that I enjoyed, my first one at KFC and when I worked at Target, and that was mostly due to my enjoyment of my co-workers, but I still quit those jobs. Why can't I find something I'm passionate about? I'm crazy about words, but so far, I haven't figured out how to get someone to pay me for mine, so until then, what am I supposed to do? Go to a job that sucks out my soul? Would my attitude be any different if I actually made any money? Getting another job would only be a temporary fix; once the newness wore off I would promptly enter my usual zone of resentment. I don't know how I'm supposed to get thru 40 more years of this feeling.

Hi, My name is Arnettra and I'm an...

I am addicted to the internet. Specifically, I'm addicted to what's called fandom. It's a group of people, mostly women, who are rabidly interested in a movie, book, group, etc., so much so they begin to write short stories, novellas, hell, novels, about their particular interest. But these aren't just any stories, the majority of them are erotic stories, featuring a heterosexual couple (het), a lesbian couple (femmeslash), or, the most prevelant, slash, featuring two men. Now this last one is by far my favorite. Why? I couldn't tell you, maybe I like the exploration of gender roles in slash, or maybe I just really like reading about anal sex. I don't know, and I don't really care why I like it. I just know I do, and that's not the problem. The problem is the amount of time I spend on fandom. I can spend HOURS trolling the internet looking for my next fix, I go on different communities to talk to other fans about my fascination with specific characters, what I think about their characterizations, and how I hot I think Mr. X is with Mr. Y. It's fun but it's completely eaten my life. It has superceded having a social life. I'm better about now than I was when I first found out about fandom (thanks Jennie H.!), but I still find myself on Friday, Saturday nights, in the front of the computer, bag a chips and a pop to my left and thoughts of nothing but the next story in my head. This needs to stop; I feel like I allowed this fascination to eat my twenties and I don't want this dominating my thirties, too. I want to spend time with other people face to face, touching, smelling, feeling other people, not over the wires. Don't get me wrong, I think the computer is a viable way of connecting to other people, but it shouldn't be your main connection. And it's mine, and really, I've never used it to truly get to know someone else, so I'm even failing at internet 'friending.' I just want my life back. I quit cold turkey, but that only lasted ten days before I was right back on my livejournal 'friends' page, looking to see if anything good had been posted. I don't know if slowly weaning myself off will work, I don't want to give it up completely, I just want it to become something fun I do for a handful of hours a week or every other week, not my main source of entertainment. I need help, but where do you go to get help for something like this? I guess I'm just going to have to work this one out on my own. I'll keep you posted; right now I have to check my friend's page.

Sexless in the Suburbs

I really wanted to avoid talking about weight, dating, etc in this blog because they are such stereotypical topics for women to discuss, but...every stereotype is steeped in truth. Those are two things that are prevalent topics on my mind. All my girlfriends, with the exception of one, are married. All of them! And I'm not even dating anyone. There isn't even a person in my life that I want to think about dating! How is this fair? What's wrong with me that no one ever thinks to ask me out on a date. Or the ones that are interested are completely inappropriate? Like that married guy at work who's trying to get a little too close for comfort? (Ew, just a big fat no)! What vibes am I sending out in the world that I'm still alone? I fear that I'm going to be 45, fat, living at home with my parents, no options, no hope. I dread becoming the cat lady. You know who I'm talking about. I would like to become close to somebody, but the longer that doesn't happen, the harder it is for me to let anyone in. I called myself dating someone in 2009, and he was a decent guy, average looking (but had lovely eyes), employed, funny and he shared my love of movies. But I found something wrong with him. He was a lot younger than me (six years), he lived at home too, so we didn't have a place to really be alone and he wasn't take charge enough for me. He was always looking for me to lead but I had absolutely zilch experience in dating so I had no idea where to lead him to and that ended up frustrating him as well as me. We text each other every now and then and I whenever I see his number, I have a brief thought of trying to make it work, but then I think, are you just settling? I don't think he's the one for me, but would being with him be better than being alone? I haven't tried to pursue anything with him because I don't like it when women settle, but is settling better than having some magical list of qualities and attributes that no man could ever hope to live up to? Right now I'm thinking about cutting down the list to: Alive, Single and willing to hang out with me. How do you even go about meeting someone? All I ever do is work and when I'm not working, I'm at home on the couch watching reruns of 'Criminal Minds' (yum, Shemar Moore. And Matthew Gray Gubler). I just want to meet someone to hang out with; why is that so hard for me?

It's a New Life

I feel like I'm on the precipice of...something, something big, something life-changing and I feel nervous all of the time. I'm nervous, my thoughts are scattered all over the place and the only thing I can concentrate on is the thought, 'Nothing will happen to you unless you make it' and I don't want this sentiment to paralyze me; I feel like I have so much to do but I'm my own worst enemy. I always find a way to get in my own way. I will not allow anymore time to be wasted; I must gather myself so I can attack and get things done.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel

The plan is to post a blog five days a week, almost like a second job, until the first of April, just because. I need to learn how to set short-term goals and actually, you know, follow through on them. I've never been able to finish a thing in my life and I'm tired of it. I have to learn how to focus until a task is completed. I don't know if I have adult onset ADD or what, but I'm going to have to find ways to help my conccentration, and what else I think would help me muchly, is structuring my life. I have absolutely none, so I need to institute some and fast. I think I'll have to start with forcing a bed-time and a wake up time and eating at the same time, writing at the same time, etc, I think this will help with my concentration because I'll know I have this specific thing to do at this specific time for this specific amount of time, so. Here's hoping. Man, this is going to be a long month and a half, I have absolutely no life, but I guess I'm going to have to conjure one up from the ether because I need to accomplish this. All right, here we go!

It's a New Life

It's Valentine's Day and I'm single. As per the course. I am no longer happy with the status quo, though. I want to date, to flirt, to touch, to feel. It's not that I'm tired of being alone, I prefer my own company to all others, still, but I need to get out of my comfort zone. And my comfort zone is a solitary place. I want the company of others now, to go out and laugh, dance, share my time with someone worthy. I think I've been keeping myself away from the world because I didn't feel worthy of the kind of man that I want, but you know what? Forget that! I deserve to have a good man interested in me! I am beautiful, smart, fun, funny and a genuinely good person. I want that great man by my side and I'm going to get him. Look out world cuz here I come.

It's a New Day

I'm still feeling pretty good about officially being in my thirties. I am going to make this my year. I realize now that I can't sit around and wait for good things to happen to/for me, I have to make them happen. That seems so simple, but that is something I didn't understand throughout my twenties. It's amazing all of the things I hadn't figured out during my early to late twenties. Around twenty-eight, something just clicked and said, 'you have to grow up now.' Like Voldemort said in the last Harry Potter book, 'I understand those things I did not understand before.' And that's so true for me, I do. Everything is illuminated now and it looks beautiful.

It's a New Dawn...

I am officially in my thirties and...I feel fine. I'm excited about this new ambition I feel flowing in my blood. I'm hungry in a way I just wasn't in my twenties and I'm ready to go out and eat the world! I realize not only the need for a plan, but the need for plans within plans. I like this new me, she's exciting!

It's a New Dawn...

...And I'm feeling good! I went back to work yesterday (a week early) and while I'll have lots of new and not so exciting things to do at work, my main focus is still producing words everyday. I am cautiously hopeful that I'll be able to pick a routine and stick w/it so I don't fall behind on daily word output. I'll also have to input working out and going back to school in the equation, but that won't be for months (the school part), so I need to focus right now on the writing. I did a little bit after work last night, hopefully I'll be able to jot down a few words this morning and do some work when I get in tonight. Wish me luck!