On Victory

I said I'd post every weekday for the month of March, and surprisingly I did. I say surprisingly because I am notorious for setting goals and not acheiving them. But with this, I did. Those times when I had NOTHING to say (and that was, sadly, quite often) I made myself think of something tangible and remotely interesting, at least to me, on those days when I didn't have time, when all I wanted to do was come home, take a shower and fall into bed, I made myself post because I'm done with breaking promises I make to myself. The fact that I followed through on this feels better than I could ever imagine, and it makes me think that I can always feel like this, if I just stop disappointing myself. From here on out, I vow to never disappoint myself again. Now, I'm not sure what I'll do for the month of April, my immediate thoughts are turning to trying my hand at poetry and posting them on the blog, but we'll see. I know I'm going to take 4/1 off and regroup, but it's been a wonderful, sad, stressed, joyful, busy month and I'm thinking April will probably be more of the same, and I'm definitely going to need the blog to help me make it through.

On Sleep

It seems my new obsession is sleep. It's all I can think about, how much I can get of it, when I can go to sleep, when do I have to wake up, etc, and I'm strangely okay with this. After going MONTHS with horrible sleeping patterns, I'm going to allow myself to luxuriate in getting eight, nine, heck, even ten hours of sleep at night. I'm going to allow my body what it needs, and right now with this crazy schedule I have at work, what it needs most is productive rest. To say that I am stressed at work is an understatement, I can't stop thinking about my future and the things I need to do to make what I envision work, and this is driving me nuts as well. I wish I could just slow these ever pressing thoughts down and push them back, far enough away from my consciousness that I'm not making myself sick with them. But sleep is giving me a peace I haven't felt in awhile, and for now at least, I'm going to wallow in it.

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why is it that sometimes, when you're doing something good for yourself, it hurts? I'm giving up my achilles heel and I'm having my moments when I forget why. My addiction? Caffeine, most specifically, the nectar of the gods, coffee. Why would I give up such a delicious must have? One word: sleep. I need uninterruppted, non-sleeping pill assisted sleep. Whenever I take a sleep aid, I end up sleeping 10, 11 hours and I feel heavy and drugged for hours after waking. I just want natural sleep and the copious amounts of caffeine I was consuming was not helping me in my aims. Last night I slept like a baby, why? Because Monday morning I got up early and did 45 minutes of cardio. Slept ten hours last night, but instead of feeling like a zombie upon waking, I feel refreshed and ready to go. Tommorrow morning, I'm going to repeat the process so I can get my body exhausted by natural means and get my much needed restful sleep.

On Procrastination

My tragic flaw, you know, if my life were a Greek tragedy, would be my habit of saying I'll do things in that nebulous 'later' timeframe. I have always been one to put things off to the last minute, starting a project the night before it was due, studying for the test as I sat in my desk waiting for the teacher to pass out the test, and even today,with my job, while it doesn't allow me much leeway to procrastinate, I still find myself stockpiling work to do when I have some 'free' time. I would really like to change this about myself. It's just not worth the stress I give myself, it's not worth the never ending loop of thoughts about what I have to do. I just need to do things as they come to me, and I would remove one more obstacle out of my way on the road to success. I'll work on this 'getting things done' attitude every moment that I can, instead of, you know, 'later.'

On the New Happy

The new happy is simply being content. And from moment to moment, I am content. I finally feel like I'm doing something to make positive things happen in my life. And as crazy as it sounds, even if none of the things I want to happen come to fruition, it's enough that I actually went after them. I've always been so afraid, afraid of trying, of failing, of succeeding, but now, the fear is losing it's grip on me, and d@#!, does it feel good. Now, I'm not trying to claim that suddenly I'm a fun, fearless female, but I'm not so afraid to look the fool anymore. I'm not so afraid to put my emotions on the table and have people examine them, I'm not so afraid of the potential I have inside of me. This new movement within my heart is giving me a peace I've never had before and it's absolutely inspiring. Yes, from moment to moment, I am content with being me. I can't think of a better way to be.

Telegram from the braindead

I am working 50 hours a week. STOP. I will be working this schedule for the foreseeable future. STOP. Why do I always seem to get jobs that turn me into a workaholic? STOP. I currently have no energy or wherewithal to leave the house unless it's to go to work. STOP. I fear I won't be able to get ahold of my emotions and I may rage out at work. STOP. Someone send help posthaste. STOP. Help in the form of another job. STOP.

On Food

Yesterday, the only thing that got me through the last few hours of work was the thought of the chili cheese dog I'd make myself upon getting home. I get home at roughly ten pm, so I know I have no business eating anything that late, but I just couldn't resist the chili dog's siren song. I got home, took a shower, made the dog, heated up some potato wedges and fully expected to almost die from extreme culinary orgasms. That didn't happen. Not even close. Don't get me wrong, the dog was good, the taste just didn't explode on my tongue like I was expecting it to. Since there was absolutely nothing wrong with the dog (I made the chili myself, so it definitely wasn't the chili's taste at fault), the difference has to be in me. Have I finally turned the corner in my relationship with food? Has it lost it's entertainment value for me? Has my mind finally figured out that food is sustenance and nothing more? If it has, then...I won't be able to contain my joy. The biggest obstacle for me on the road to weight loss has been my obsessive love of food. It has been my friend, my lover, my enemy, my everything and now I'm ready for it to be nothing more than the fuel my body needs to keep going.

On Sleep

In this day and age, the idea of eight to nine hours of sleep a night is antiquated. People get by with four, five hours a night, every night. If they get six or seven, they've technically 'overslept.' When did this happen? When did people decide that to achieve, do, see, be more, they'd cut into the second most important thing your body needs to be healthy? When did we become a nation of sleepless zombies? We're so overstimulated by our smartphones, netbooks, tablets, laptops, dvr's, ereaders, we've forgotten how to take care of ourselves. This is one trend that I have no interest in participating in, from tonight on, my mission is seven to eight hours of uninterrupted, blissful sleep a night. I'll be the one at work in a wonderful mood, while everyone else is cranky and overdosing on bad, work coffee.

The Birth of a Babe

I have decided that from this moment on, I am going to be a confident, sexy woman, i.e., a babe. I am tired of doubting myself, tired of feeling too fat, too brown, not brown enough, too disporportionate, simply I'm tired of feeling not good enough. I'm no longer going to let a lack of confidence keep me from going after who I want. So what I'm a little chubby? That doesn't stop me from looking right in my skintights! I know that people are attracted to confiddence and I'm promising myself to fake it till I make it.

On Money, Part III

It's Friday, I just got paid and I'm still broke! Why does this keep happening to me? I'm not an extravagant spender so I don't understand where all my money is going! I am on a strict budget until I have enough to pay my tax bill this year (the first time I've ever owed the government, and hopefully, the last!) and, for the most part, I have been sticking to it (I wish I knew how to quit you, Dunkin' Donuts!) so I feel like I should have more money to play around with, instead of it all going into savings. Or maybe I'm just being a whiny little baby because I need some retail therapy and I forgot to add that into my budget. Oh well, there's always next month's budget.

On Emotion

This morning I stood in my closet, chest heaving, nearly in tears because I couldn't figure out what to wear to work. I have no idea where that overly emotional response came from, but obviously it's been laying dormant inside of me, waiting for the perfect moment to spring forth and catch me unaware. It's all the more confounding because I am not an emotional person, the last time I cried was at my grandmother's funeral two years ago. I am not prone to crying fits, temper tantrums, etc. and considering my generally copacetic mood lately, this episode is really out of nowhere. But it gives me hope. Lately I've been thinking that I need a good cry to let go of all the things that keep my mind racing when I lay down for sleep at night and maybe my little episode means I'll be able to let go of all the negative feelings I try to hide away from.

On Weight

Since Jan. 1st, I have lost eight pounds and it feels like those eight pounds were the weight of the world. I don't know if my body feels lighter, but my soul does. I finally know what it feels like to set a goal and actively pursue it. This sense of accomplishment is all-encompassing, almost overwhelming. Why didn't anyone tell me that setting goals and working to reach them felt so good?

I haven't started working out, mostly because I can't get myself out of bed early enough to have an effective workout, but I have stopped myself from eating like a pig all of the time. I still have my moments, but I am training myself to think of food as not entertainment, but simply as sustenance. I'm not all the way there yet, I still crave food when I'm sitting on the couch watching a good movie or one of my favorite shows, but I'm getting there. I just had no idea the journey to 'there' would be so invigorating.

On Men

I am afraid of my opinion of men. If I am truly honest with myself, I don't like them very much. I don't mean sexually, there is no doubt in my mind that I am frighteningly heterosexual (nothing hits me as viscerally as a sexually exciting man), I just have little interest in going beyond the surface and really trying to get to know men on an emotionally intimate level. This bothers me because it makes me a hypocrite; I rail against the proverbial male gaze that casts women as nothing more than fodder for men's enjoyment and yet, I objectify certain men, seeing them as nothing more substantial as material for, well...I don't think I need to say anything else.

I don't want to be that person, whatever the female equivalent to a chauvinist is (of course there's no word for a female chauvinist pig-I couldn't be the first of this kind-could I)? So how do I force myself to see men as people, with hopes and dreams and ideas independent and completely separate from their sexuality? How do I, gasp, cultivate friendships with men?

Under the Wire!

I am filled with inspiration but unable to pin it down and put it on paper. The ideas have form and are just waiting for me to give them shape, yet, somehow, when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. Am I afraid of the ideas? Afraid that once they're ink and paper, they'll be a letdown? But isn't that what revision is for? Even though I am a writer who feels that the more you revise a story, the further it is from what you originally envisioned, I do understand that a good edit has never hurt any story. Or am I afraid of what comes after they're written? Am I afraid that I'll have to enter these stories into competitions, submit them to literary magazines to be judged, and they won't place or be given a slot in the magazine? Yes, I am afraid of the rejection, but now I find I'm more afraid of the idea of never trying, never challenging myself to do better, be better. I'm afraid my 'children' won't win any first place trophies, but I have to make sure they're beautiful and ready to go just in case they are chosen for the pageant.

I am a Phoenix

It's Friday, I didn't just get paid, but I'm off work so that's a total win for me! I have absolutely nothing to say on this beautiful, glorious day except that I'm excited about life in a way I haven't been since I was 18. I feel the fire in me and I know I'm going to make wonderful things happen for me because I finally realized amazing things aren't going to happen to me, I've got to make them happen. I feel like I've just awaken after being asleep for a hundred years. This is a wonderful feeling and I'm not letting it get away from me.

On Work, Part II

I'm at the beginning of a three day weekend and I'm so excited I could explode. I think Americans place way too high a value on work. The most important thing about you shouldn't be what you do for a living, or how long you spend in the office, etc. If a person I've just met can only talk about their job, I know instantly this is a person I have no interest in knowing, I think their values are skewed. Yes, it's important to be a working, productive member of society, yes, it's important to make a living so you can support yourself, yadda, yadda, yadda, but at the end of your life, do you really think you're gonna say to yourself, 'I shoulda spent more time at the office,?' No, you're not. So take a day off, call your best friend from high school to catch up, go see a movie by yourself, go for a walk in the park, volunteer at your favorite charity, just live. It's so much more fun than spending a day in the office. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about!

On Discipline

Help! I need some self-discipline and stat! I make all of these lovely plans in my head and when it comes time to carry them out, nothing. I can't stand this about myself. I'm working an hour later at work, meaning I get home around 9:40, and I told myself as long as these new hours last I wouldn't come home and eat, I'd just drink a slimfast at work for dinner, that sounds like a decent plan, right? Well, I did that for one day before I crapped out, came home and fixed myself a plate! Why do I do these things to myself? I'm so tired of making myself feel guilty about my choices! No more disappointing myself, I have to realize that the only person I can count on is myself. I can let myself down anymore, it's time for me to step up and take care of my business.

On Money, Part II

It's day eight of my new, strict budget and I can't stave my addiction to Dunkin' Donuts coffee! I spent $1.72 Monday thru Friday, and while that may not seem like much, that adds up to $34.40 for the month, and that's coming out of my budgeted $100 for Miscellaneous activities, only leaving me $65.60 for any 'emergencies' that crop up. Otherwise, I'm on track, I've managed to stay out of Target and the video store, relying on Netflix, my dvr queue and basic cable to keep me entertained and I've resisted going out to fast food joints to spend needlessly on food that I won't really enjoy all that much anyway. But I still feel like I could be doing more, saving more, cutting more corners, which is next to impossible, since I don't have anymore money to save! Not making a lot really curbs my desire to have several healthy savings funds. Ultimately, I do feel good about the budget I made up and I feel I'll have a measurable amount of success with it. Now, if I could just keep my butt out of Dunkin' Donuts!

What's Scarier than Freddy?

I hate doing things that scare me. I'm not talking about the kind of fright that comes from watching a scary movie, or walking through a graveyard at night by yourself, I'm talking about the things that could expansively impact your life, change everything as you know it. Yeah, those things; they frighten me more than Freddy ever could and I'm a complete chicken#$@! when it comes to forcing myself to fight through it. I've been needing to go back to school for at least five years and now that I have the applications in my hands, they've just been sitting in my room for weeks blank because what if I turn them in and I get a big fat no? My good ole frenemy rejection is whispering in my ear, telling me there's no way any of these schools will want me, because what have I done to deserve getting into their programs? I don't know how to fight through the fear; it's why I've been stuck for the past five years in almost the exact same place while everyone I know around me has been running towards all of the milestones of the late twenties, early thirties. I am done with being left behind, but how do I get myself in the race? How easy is it to overcome crippling self-doubt? If the paralysis is self-inflicted, how do you convince yourself to move?

On Leisure

It's Friday night, I just got paid and...I'm settling in to watch Law and Order: UK and a rerun of Criminal Minds because I have to be to work in the morning at 9am, after getting off at 8pm. I miss Friday nights and Saturday mornings; not that I'd go out, I'd still be on the couch watching my programs on Friday and I wouldn't get up on Saturday until the morning was over, but I just miss having that option. I need to get on this e-publishing bandwagon and stat! I want my free time back!

On Hope

As I begin to plan the next stage of my life, I can't helped but be overwhelmed with hope. This is something that's been missing from my life, from my heart, for a very long time. Hope is a dangerous thing; it builds you up, but if you don't rein it in, it can let you down and take you low, lower than you've ever been. So, I've decided to inject some caution into my hopefulness, to protect myself from any fallout that may come from not having any part of this hope see any actuality.

Those Sweet Melodies

I miss music. I miss how it would seep into my bones, make my blood boil and kill me dead in the best possible way. I miss when lyrics were honest and personal, made you feel like you were getting a piece of your favorite musician; made you feel as if for three minutes and thirty seconds you had a deep and profound connection with Billy Corgan. I miss the intimacy of laying in bed at night with my headphones on with Greg Dulli's voice slinking through my brain, seducing me into believing it was just me, Greg and the night. Does there come a point in one's life when you no longer connect to popular music and clutch possessively to the music of your youth? Does that mean you're officially old when that happens?

On Money

It's a new month, so it's time for a new budget. I always start the month with ambitions to be fantastically frugal and somewhere between the astronomical gas prices and my inability to stay out of Target every Tuesday when new dvd's are released, that typically goes out of the window by the second week of the month. But now that I have an epic tax bill to pay ($821 which is epic to me because I don't make a lot of money), I am forced to save $205 per check until the beginning of April, so I'm hoping this will instill the discipline I need to become a successful saver.

I don't know why I became so irresponsible with money once I became an adult. As a child, I understood the concept of delayed satisfaction; I saved my money because I liked how it felt to just have money in my 'pocket.' If I wanted something I had little difficulty saving until I could afford it. Hell, my mom would sometimes borrow pocket money from me and I was in grammar school!

Then I turned 18, went away to college and went crazy. I forgot the basic concept of money. Spent like crazy without having a steady job and signed up for a multitude of credit cards that I couldn't possibly pay for; charging as if it were free money that didn't have to be paid back. I spent years mired in bad credit hell, not paying back student loans, credit cards, cell phone bills, you name it, I was delinquent on it!

But I turned a corner in maturity a little over two years ago, fed up with my own bs and deseparate to turn things around for myself. I've paid off three student loans and that feels good; I feel like I accomplished something major and I want to keep this feeling going. I feel like an adult now and after spending years running away from adulthood, it's a surprisingly good fit on me.