Work, Work, Work

I am sick with indecsion; should I stay or should I go? There are things that I feel like I deseparately need, but, upon further thought, I think they may be wants. I want a job that offers me enough money to live comfortably, but I know that won't happen until I get my degrees in order, but I just want so much NOW. But I am so sick of starting somewhere new, I like being settled, I like that it'll be two years next month on this job. Two years! I've never stayed anywhere for two years, so that must mean something, right? I just want to feel certain of my future. Do you ever get to that feeling? Am I tying myself in knots over something that'll never happen? I am just so over myself; just make up your mind already!

Don't Fall Down Now, You Will Never Get Up

This morning I had an awesomely bad setback and I did not fall down. I did not give up. I did not beat myself up nor did I have moments of unworthiness. I realized that life is not easy. There will always be obstacles but the important thing is how I react to them. This morning I grew up a little; I'm that much closer to becoming a fully functional adult. I am proud of myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. It feels good.

Scaredy cat

Why, oh, why do I run from my responsibilities? I feel like I have a million things I have to do, and last night, instead of doing one of them, I spent four hours reading fanfiction. Really?!? It's so much easier to drown myself in the goings on of fictional characters than it is to face what I have made of my life. I'm so scared all the time and I'm sick of the feeling. Scared to try, scared to succeed, so I just hide myself away. Intellectually I know I've gotten too old for these games, I don't want to wake up at 45 and still be in exactly the same spot I am right now (or worse, two steps back) but I can't seem to cowgirl up and do what it is I know I must do. I'm done with doing the easy thing; now I must do the right thing.

On Writing

Here we go again; I am vowing to post every weekday until I go back to school in late August. I've gotten away from writing everyday and I need my motivation back. I have too many IDEAS to let them go to waste. They need to be shared! So, I will be writing my blog, submitting movie/dvd/music reviews to associatedcontent.com, attempting to figure out how to post something to textbroker, copywriting my stories and finally, finally finishing my oft-mentioned collection of short stories to self-publish. I'm excited; so far the summer of 2011 good to me and the only way to make it better is if I ensure that I don't disappoint myself.

On Time

I need time management skills. There never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish all the things that I want to do and I am beyond frustrated with myself and lack of ability to get. things. done. How do single mothers manage? What am I doing wrong? Is there some secret handbook other women (and some men) have been shown that details how to cram 48 hours worth of activity into 24 hours? How does one get inducted into that camp because I need to get my grubby little paws on that book, stat! Seriously, I'm going to have to completely reconfigure how I even think about getting things done, don't I? I'm so sick of having to change everything I am to accomplish what I want to. Why couldn't I have just been made right? Oh, well. How does one go about changing how they think about time???

On Money, Part IV

I need to make more money. I'm tired of stressing out about it, I'm tired of having to choose which bills get paid on this date and that, I'm tired of having to save for a big ticket purchase instead of just having the buying power to get it now. I'm 31 years-old, when do I get to have a grown-up salary? This isn't all about materialism, although I do want the big girl toys like cars, clothes, purses, etc, it's mostly about being able to take care of myself. If I moved out on my own, I would starve. All my money would go to rent, utilities and putting gas in my car. I would definitely have to take advantage of being a natural homebody because I'd never be able to go out and have a night on the town. What I need is some moxie, some hustle, a great idea for a money-making adventure. I know what I'll be thinking about over the weekend.

I'm Not Dead...

...just supremely uninspired. The weather is beautiful, I have wonderful parents, just been reassured by their actions that my friends are there for me. I'm feeling a lot cuter after I lost 13 lbs, but I'm still just blah. I feel like I'm stuck just waiting for the next part of my life to start. I have to go to orientation before I can register for classes, my financial aid didn't come thru so now I have to scrimp and save just to take a class or two (I will be appealing that decision), my epic vacation is still two weeks away and my job, oh my job. I wants another one, like yesterday. I've recently started a serious search, but that still leaves me in the position of waiting for something to happen. I just want to take my life into my own hands and make something happen, I'm done being passive and waiting on life to happen to me instead of making it happen myself! Wow, ok, that totally made me feel better; I guess there's something to this whole writing my feelings down. Who knew?!?