How many times do I have to learn...

ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY  I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS

And then it came to me, like an epiphany...

...none of my friends take me seriously.  I truly believe they don't think any of the plans I've talked about will come to fruition, they never want to make any plans to go out with me because they think I'll flake out on them, mostly, I think they think that I will live with my parents and remain broke for the rest of my life.  This breaks my heart.  Yes, I was flaky for a long time, but I worked consistently for three years, am now currently back in school and have sensible, well-thought out goals for my future.  How long do I have to suffer for past flakiness?  Not only does this hurt my feelings, it pisses me off.  I feel judged, there have been times where I didn't understand my friends decisions and life choices, but I've always supported them and I just feel completely unsupported.  I'm not getting what I need and it's my fault.  I've set up my friendships to be one-sided and now, how are you going to change the way you interact with someone after twenty years?  I think I just need to take a step back, get myself together (because, oh, this is some motivating shit) and re-enter the scene much closer to the person I want to be.

Open Your Heart to Me

Oy, so, I've been busy.  I am now babysitting for my cousin and I don't know how she does it day in and day out because I am exhausted.  Long days are long.  I'm doing this not because I have a great love of kids (I don't) but because I need to open my heart.  I've been living closed up for a very long time but if I'm going to get any emotional rewards in life, I have to risk myself emotionally.  Ugh, I just didn't know living with an open heart would require such long days!

The Bitch is Back!

Wow, it's been awhile.  I became disheartened with writing a blog because I realized I was the most uninteresting person in the world, I vowed to go out and live!  Well, as always, I let my fear stop me from really living.  I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I can't have an intimate relationship, I don't know why I can't be present and emotionally present in my friendships, I don't know why I can't follow my dreams and just write, write, write.  Why am I so afraid all of the time?  What happened to me to put this fear in my heart?  But I'm putting this out there in the world, I am tired of being so damn afraid all of the time, I'm tired of closing myself off from everyone so scared of being hurt, you know what?  Fuck it, really living means putting yourself out there and if I get hurt, if I get rejected I'll just have to feel it and move the fuck on.  Use it in my writing, anything, anything not to be this dead inside anymore.  I am alive and I will live because life is for the living.  I am aware, I am present, I am alive.