What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

Watching the Oscars last night (how adorable were Anne Hathaway and James Franco?), I thought about my childhood dream of one day winning an Oscar and I wonder, what happened to that dream? Is it possible to pick it back up or at a certain point do you admit defeat and think of new dreams?

I've always been fascinated with the movie-making business and I know I have the talents to have at least a modicum of success in the writing field, but I never quite thought I was good enough for the business. I just knew the Powers That Be would take one look at me and scream 'Next!'; deeming me unwanted and unworthy. My paralyzing fear of rejection has kept me from my deepest, most abiding dream.

My fear of rejection has held me back from living as furiously and passionately as I can. I didn't pursue my dream of being an actress, I'm tongue-tied and useless around people I'm sexually attracted to, hell, I can't even call up friends and invite them out for fear they'll tell me they have the always nebulous 'other plans.'

I am tired of living this way. This fear has completely eaten my life and eradicated any motivation I've had to go after anything out of the ordinary I've wanted for myself. How do you talk yourself out of being afraid? Is that not the point? Is the lesson learnt in being afraid but doing in spite of?

On Work

I'm sick of working. Does this feeling ever go away? I've only had two jobs that I enjoyed, my first one at KFC and when I worked at Target, and that was mostly due to my enjoyment of my co-workers, but I still quit those jobs. Why can't I find something I'm passionate about? I'm crazy about words, but so far, I haven't figured out how to get someone to pay me for mine, so until then, what am I supposed to do? Go to a job that sucks out my soul? Would my attitude be any different if I actually made any money? Getting another job would only be a temporary fix; once the newness wore off I would promptly enter my usual zone of resentment. I don't know how I'm supposed to get thru 40 more years of this feeling.

Hi, My name is Arnettra and I'm an...

I am addicted to the internet. Specifically, I'm addicted to what's called fandom. It's a group of people, mostly women, who are rabidly interested in a movie, book, group, etc., so much so they begin to write short stories, novellas, hell, novels, about their particular interest. But these aren't just any stories, the majority of them are erotic stories, featuring a heterosexual couple (het), a lesbian couple (femmeslash), or, the most prevelant, slash, featuring two men. Now this last one is by far my favorite. Why? I couldn't tell you, maybe I like the exploration of gender roles in slash, or maybe I just really like reading about anal sex. I don't know, and I don't really care why I like it. I just know I do, and that's not the problem. The problem is the amount of time I spend on fandom. I can spend HOURS trolling the internet looking for my next fix, I go on different communities to talk to other fans about my fascination with specific characters, what I think about their characterizations, and how I hot I think Mr. X is with Mr. Y. It's fun but it's completely eaten my life. It has superceded having a social life. I'm better about now than I was when I first found out about fandom (thanks Jennie H.!), but I still find myself on Friday, Saturday nights, in the front of the computer, bag a chips and a pop to my left and thoughts of nothing but the next story in my head. This needs to stop; I feel like I allowed this fascination to eat my twenties and I don't want this dominating my thirties, too. I want to spend time with other people face to face, touching, smelling, feeling other people, not over the wires. Don't get me wrong, I think the computer is a viable way of connecting to other people, but it shouldn't be your main connection. And it's mine, and really, I've never used it to truly get to know someone else, so I'm even failing at internet 'friending.' I just want my life back. I quit cold turkey, but that only lasted ten days before I was right back on my livejournal 'friends' page, looking to see if anything good had been posted. I don't know if slowly weaning myself off will work, I don't want to give it up completely, I just want it to become something fun I do for a handful of hours a week or every other week, not my main source of entertainment. I need help, but where do you go to get help for something like this? I guess I'm just going to have to work this one out on my own. I'll keep you posted; right now I have to check my friend's page.

Sexless in the Suburbs

I really wanted to avoid talking about weight, dating, etc in this blog because they are such stereotypical topics for women to discuss, but...every stereotype is steeped in truth. Those are two things that are prevalent topics on my mind. All my girlfriends, with the exception of one, are married. All of them! And I'm not even dating anyone. There isn't even a person in my life that I want to think about dating! How is this fair? What's wrong with me that no one ever thinks to ask me out on a date. Or the ones that are interested are completely inappropriate? Like that married guy at work who's trying to get a little too close for comfort? (Ew, just a big fat no)! What vibes am I sending out in the world that I'm still alone? I fear that I'm going to be 45, fat, living at home with my parents, no options, no hope. I dread becoming the cat lady. You know who I'm talking about. I would like to become close to somebody, but the longer that doesn't happen, the harder it is for me to let anyone in. I called myself dating someone in 2009, and he was a decent guy, average looking (but had lovely eyes), employed, funny and he shared my love of movies. But I found something wrong with him. He was a lot younger than me (six years), he lived at home too, so we didn't have a place to really be alone and he wasn't take charge enough for me. He was always looking for me to lead but I had absolutely zilch experience in dating so I had no idea where to lead him to and that ended up frustrating him as well as me. We text each other every now and then and I whenever I see his number, I have a brief thought of trying to make it work, but then I think, are you just settling? I don't think he's the one for me, but would being with him be better than being alone? I haven't tried to pursue anything with him because I don't like it when women settle, but is settling better than having some magical list of qualities and attributes that no man could ever hope to live up to? Right now I'm thinking about cutting down the list to: Alive, Single and willing to hang out with me. How do you even go about meeting someone? All I ever do is work and when I'm not working, I'm at home on the couch watching reruns of 'Criminal Minds' (yum, Shemar Moore. And Matthew Gray Gubler). I just want to meet someone to hang out with; why is that so hard for me?

It's a New Life

I feel like I'm on the precipice of...something, something big, something life-changing and I feel nervous all of the time. I'm nervous, my thoughts are scattered all over the place and the only thing I can concentrate on is the thought, 'Nothing will happen to you unless you make it' and I don't want this sentiment to paralyze me; I feel like I have so much to do but I'm my own worst enemy. I always find a way to get in my own way. I will not allow anymore time to be wasted; I must gather myself so I can attack and get things done.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel

The plan is to post a blog five days a week, almost like a second job, until the first of April, just because. I need to learn how to set short-term goals and actually, you know, follow through on them. I've never been able to finish a thing in my life and I'm tired of it. I have to learn how to focus until a task is completed. I don't know if I have adult onset ADD or what, but I'm going to have to find ways to help my conccentration, and what else I think would help me muchly, is structuring my life. I have absolutely none, so I need to institute some and fast. I think I'll have to start with forcing a bed-time and a wake up time and eating at the same time, writing at the same time, etc, I think this will help with my concentration because I'll know I have this specific thing to do at this specific time for this specific amount of time, so. Here's hoping. Man, this is going to be a long month and a half, I have absolutely no life, but I guess I'm going to have to conjure one up from the ether because I need to accomplish this. All right, here we go!

It's a New Life

It's Valentine's Day and I'm single. As per the course. I am no longer happy with the status quo, though. I want to date, to flirt, to touch, to feel. It's not that I'm tired of being alone, I prefer my own company to all others, still, but I need to get out of my comfort zone. And my comfort zone is a solitary place. I want the company of others now, to go out and laugh, dance, share my time with someone worthy. I think I've been keeping myself away from the world because I didn't feel worthy of the kind of man that I want, but you know what? Forget that! I deserve to have a good man interested in me! I am beautiful, smart, fun, funny and a genuinely good person. I want that great man by my side and I'm going to get him. Look out world cuz here I come.

It's a New Day

I'm still feeling pretty good about officially being in my thirties. I am going to make this my year. I realize now that I can't sit around and wait for good things to happen to/for me, I have to make them happen. That seems so simple, but that is something I didn't understand throughout my twenties. It's amazing all of the things I hadn't figured out during my early to late twenties. Around twenty-eight, something just clicked and said, 'you have to grow up now.' Like Voldemort said in the last Harry Potter book, 'I understand those things I did not understand before.' And that's so true for me, I do. Everything is illuminated now and it looks beautiful.

It's a New Dawn...

I am officially in my thirties and...I feel fine. I'm excited about this new ambition I feel flowing in my blood. I'm hungry in a way I just wasn't in my twenties and I'm ready to go out and eat the world! I realize not only the need for a plan, but the need for plans within plans. I like this new me, she's exciting!