On Life

I am so ready for my adult life to begin! I want my degree! My certificate! My awesome, fun job that allows to pay for things, like, rent, light/gas, trips, a new car and have money left over to save and donate! I want that awesome man that is so ready to love me the way I want to be loved! I'm ready to love him the way he wants to be loved! I want my Great American Novel to be published to great acclaim and sales! I want my first screenplay to be optioned and cast w/a gorgeous male lead and a real female lead! I want my family healthy and happy! I want my friends to know how much they are loved! I just want! want! want!

On Peace

I can't even think b/c of the awesomeness that was my weekend. Got endless face time with the bestie, saw Harry Potter at Navy Pier, then Sunday I was able to just relax in a way I haven't in a long time and today I am filled with peace, so no angsting from me today. The neuroses will find their way back to me, but for today, I am well. I hope everyone else is, as well.

On Decisions

Indecision is my enemy. And my closet companion. It's definite that once I make a decision, I will promptly unmake it. I can't ever just decide on something and let it be. I must think and think and think upon it, till I think it out of existence. I wish I was resolute, I am not, I am destined to always be flapping about in the wind.

On Learning From One's Mistakes

I cannot keep making the same mistakes over and over. I have vowed that I will not hit my head on the same wall, the only difference being the space in between the hits. While I don't want to work and go to school at the same time, I cannot be without a job. I spent my 20s hopping from job to job with long droughts of willfull unemployment and I get sick just thinking about being in the same predicament. I think the best thing for me mentally is to keep working. I don't make nearly enough money now and it stresses me out, I can't imagine the circles my mind would be running in if I didn't have any income coming in. I can't rely on unemployment because I'm sure that could run out at any second, so, I guess I should prepare myself for a different kind of stress; working full-time while going to school part-time. Oy. Wish me luck.

On Love

Last night I told the universe I was ready for a good man to come into my life and enrich it. The surprising thing? I meant it. I have a deep fear of intimacy; I have never been witness to a man making a woman's life better and I am terrified of opening myself up to vulnerability because it's not a question of if a man will hurt but when and I just don't want to deal with that heartbreak, but...I am ready for companionship. I am ready to feel protected, loved, taken care of. Mostly, I'm ready for the sex. Jeez Louise an I ready for a beautiful man to put it on me! So, yes, Universe, send me a man who is open and willing and ready for me. I am ready for him.

On Revolution

When did I become a normal? Wake every morning at the same time, eat the same breakfast, wear the same clothes, drive the same route, going to the same job where I do the same thing everyday. Now, I never thought I'd be dangerous, but I also never thought I'd be average either. Where's my rock 'n' roll lifestyle? I cannot abide this normalcy. I must become a creative and posthaste, because I can feel corporate america leeching out all of my creative energy, a drop of it gone everyday I do the same brain-numbingly boring thing. The revolution will be personal.

On Thoughts

How do you get your mind to be at ease? My mind is a constant carousel of what is worrying me; money, school, financial aid, dating, my parents, etc., and it's driving me mad! What aids can I use to calm myself? Where will I find serenity? Can it be found? Or is this just what it means to be an adult?

Bills, Bills, Bills

You know what sucks? Worrying about money ALL OF THE TIME. I don't have enough money to pay all of my bills. How do people live like this their whole lives? It's a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach that's akin to chronic pain; I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle this. I just want to feel like a self-sufficient adult who can maintain their own household, but I don't even have a household to maintain. Why oh why did I mess up so badly in my twenties? This has got to change; I can't take it anymore.

Summer Fun

I am so bored. All I do is go to work and read fanfiction. I said I was going to have a fun summer. So far, it hasn't been filled with crazy adventures. What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever just get off my butt and do stuff? It doesn't help that my circle of friends is very limited, three of my closet friends have children, the other one lives in the city and doesn't really make time for me and the other one is always broke. I would love to make more friends, more single friends with disposable income, but how do I meet these people? I don't have any hobbies that would put me in the path of new people, so how do I strike out and meet new people. It's so hard to make friends once you've reached a certain age. How do I get a life? Help, universe, help!

On Companionship

Just finished watching the adorable Drew Barrymore/Justin Long vehicle Going the Distance and I'm reminded yet again that I want my meetcute. I want that partner that challenges you, makes you laugh, makes you feel sexy. I want to be overwhelmed by my feelings for someone else. I want someone to lure me out of my own head. I just don't think I have what it takes to completely surrender to that feeling. Whatever I've had, whenever a boy has liked me, I've completely ruined it by not opening myself up to it. I'm so closed in, I don't know if I'll ever be coaxed out, and that just makes me so sad. Am I really one of those freaks that will never love anybody? Why is this so hard for me? I just want...I just want.

On Food, Part II

I had three wonderful, relaxing, joyful days off, the only thing is that it threw me off that whole not eating like a pig thing I had going on. I didn't stuff myself, I just ate all the wrong things. But the good thing is I'm not beating myself up about it, it's just made me realize I need to stop using food as a celebration, as the go to thing when I need a mood lifting or when I want to relax with a good program on my television, simply it needs to stop being the centerpiece of my life. That's so easy to say, but it's so hard to do. I love food, the smell, the taste, the way it makes me feel, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling guilty whenever I eat. I just want to have a healthy relationship to food. How does one cultivate that after 31 years of having a love/hate relationship?

There'll be peace when you are done

Today my mind was clear; it ceased it's endless loops of all the things it wants, all the outcomes my live could've had and just focused on what I was doing today, who I needed to be today and it was marvelous. It is so tiring to have your mind racing 24/7 and the sudden cessation of that endless energy was just nirvana. Today was a very good day; here's hoping I have three more awesome ones.