I am a Phoenix

It's Friday, I didn't just get paid, but I'm off work so that's a total win for me! I have absolutely nothing to say on this beautiful, glorious day except that I'm excited about life in a way I haven't been since I was 18. I feel the fire in me and I know I'm going to make wonderful things happen for me because I finally realized amazing things aren't going to happen to me, I've got to make them happen. I feel like I've just awaken after being asleep for a hundred years. This is a wonderful feeling and I'm not letting it get away from me.

What Happens to a Dream Deferred?

Watching the Oscars last night (how adorable were Anne Hathaway and James Franco?), I thought about my childhood dream of one day winning an Oscar and I wonder, what happened to that dream? Is it possible to pick it back up or at a certain point do you admit defeat and think of new dreams?

I've always been fascinated with the movie-making business and I know I have the talents to have at least a modicum of success in the writing field, but I never quite thought I was good enough for the business. I just knew the Powers That Be would take one look at me and scream 'Next!'; deeming me unwanted and unworthy. My paralyzing fear of rejection has kept me from my deepest, most abiding dream.

My fear of rejection has held me back from living as furiously and passionately as I can. I didn't pursue my dream of being an actress, I'm tongue-tied and useless around people I'm sexually attracted to, hell, I can't even call up friends and invite them out for fear they'll tell me they have the always nebulous 'other plans.'

I am tired of living this way. This fear has completely eaten my life and eradicated any motivation I've had to go after anything out of the ordinary I've wanted for myself. How do you talk yourself out of being afraid? Is that not the point? Is the lesson learnt in being afraid but doing in spite of?

It's a New Life

I feel like I'm on the precipice of...something, something big, something life-changing and I feel nervous all of the time. I'm nervous, my thoughts are scattered all over the place and the only thing I can concentrate on is the thought, 'Nothing will happen to you unless you make it' and I don't want this sentiment to paralyze me; I feel like I have so much to do but I'm my own worst enemy. I always find a way to get in my own way. I will not allow anymore time to be wasted; I must gather myself so I can attack and get things done.

Birds flying high, you know how I feel

The plan is to post a blog five days a week, almost like a second job, until the first of April, just because. I need to learn how to set short-term goals and actually, you know, follow through on them. I've never been able to finish a thing in my life and I'm tired of it. I have to learn how to focus until a task is completed. I don't know if I have adult onset ADD or what, but I'm going to have to find ways to help my conccentration, and what else I think would help me muchly, is structuring my life. I have absolutely none, so I need to institute some and fast. I think I'll have to start with forcing a bed-time and a wake up time and eating at the same time, writing at the same time, etc, I think this will help with my concentration because I'll know I have this specific thing to do at this specific time for this specific amount of time, so. Here's hoping. Man, this is going to be a long month and a half, I have absolutely no life, but I guess I'm going to have to conjure one up from the ether because I need to accomplish this. All right, here we go!