On Reading

I'm reading Zadie Smith's latest book, NW, and it's not an easy book.  I've had it for weeks, reading a page or two here and there, and, there just seems to be no entry point for me. It's not a problem with the characters, I like them, I like the listlessness of the main character Leah, how she's got a degree, a job, a husband, all the things a proper girl should want, and yet she's still so unsure of what, exactly it is she wants, and whoo, lordy, can I relate to that.  Perhaps it's the structure that's giving me problems; it's almost as if Smith has purposely constructed her novel to be inaccessible; short, choppy chapters, weird dialogue indentions; it's not an easy book, but Smith has such a beautiful way of writing the everyday that I'm going to keep trying; might take me awhile, though.

Have a review!

It’s been seven years since Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine and she’s used to the time to craft an album that is sonically spare, lyrically dense; a work you have to actively listen to instead of letting the easy pop melodies flow over your skin without absorbing them.  The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than The Driver Of The Screw And Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do (apparently it’s 1999 again) is an album that demands to be listened to from the first track (‘Every Single Night’) to the last (‘Hot Knife’) because it is not just a collection of singles but a journey Apple tells of a hard won fight against her neuroses (“every single night’s/ a fight/with my brain”) so her heart’s open enough to let the good stuff in (“he makes my heart a cinemascope screen showing a dancing bird of paradise”).  The Idler Wheel is emotional without being sentimental and delivers a truly deserving happy ending, well, as happy an ending as Apple can deliver.

I have never been so frustrated in my life.  I just want ALL THE THINGS to happen now!  I want to be finished with undergrad, I want to know if I've been accepted to the grad school programs I applied to, I want my hair to make the transition from chemically relaxed to natural NOW so I can rock my curly fro, I want to be done with watching my cousin's kids because I DO NOT want that responsibility in my life (ohmygod, it's so OVERWHELMING), I want the seventy pounds I need to lose to be gone now so I can rock half-shirts, I want my novel to be written already and published to great acclaim and sales, I want that screenplay I want to write to be produced and shot and shown at Sundance and bought by Harvey Weinstein; I just want ALL THE THINGS.  NOW. 

How many times do I have to learn...

ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY  I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HAPPINESS

And then it came to me, like an epiphany...

...none of my friends take me seriously.  I truly believe they don't think any of the plans I've talked about will come to fruition, they never want to make any plans to go out with me because they think I'll flake out on them, mostly, I think they think that I will live with my parents and remain broke for the rest of my life.  This breaks my heart.  Yes, I was flaky for a long time, but I worked consistently for three years, am now currently back in school and have sensible, well-thought out goals for my future.  How long do I have to suffer for past flakiness?  Not only does this hurt my feelings, it pisses me off.  I feel judged, there have been times where I didn't understand my friends decisions and life choices, but I've always supported them and I just feel completely unsupported.  I'm not getting what I need and it's my fault.  I've set up my friendships to be one-sided and now, how are you going to change the way you interact with someone after twenty years?  I think I just need to take a step back, get myself together (because, oh, this is some motivating shit) and re-enter the scene much closer to the person I want to be.

Open Your Heart to Me

Oy, so, I've been busy.  I am now babysitting for my cousin and I don't know how she does it day in and day out because I am exhausted.  Long days are long.  I'm doing this not because I have a great love of kids (I don't) but because I need to open my heart.  I've been living closed up for a very long time but if I'm going to get any emotional rewards in life, I have to risk myself emotionally.  Ugh, I just didn't know living with an open heart would require such long days!

The Bitch is Back!

Wow, it's been awhile.  I became disheartened with writing a blog because I realized I was the most uninteresting person in the world, I vowed to go out and live!  Well, as always, I let my fear stop me from really living.  I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I can't have an intimate relationship, I don't know why I can't be present and emotionally present in my friendships, I don't know why I can't follow my dreams and just write, write, write.  Why am I so afraid all of the time?  What happened to me to put this fear in my heart?  But I'm putting this out there in the world, I am tired of being so damn afraid all of the time, I'm tired of closing myself off from everyone so scared of being hurt, you know what?  Fuck it, really living means putting yourself out there and if I get hurt, if I get rejected I'll just have to feel it and move the fuck on.  Use it in my writing, anything, anything not to be this dead inside anymore.  I am alive and I will live because life is for the living.  I am aware, I am present, I am alive.